I need help

[bobstremglav]

Sorry for ruining peace of this community, but I don't know where to ask or where to search, I hope you can help. Knowing how friendly this community I already expect kind of answers, but I hope at least somebody can hint me something.

 

If you're sensitive to theme of suicide - leave topic right now.

 

Spoiler

I want to kill myself. I tried to make rope tight on my neck using bare hands but it doesn't do anything and rope started to tear earlier than I felt anything good. I want to hang myself like usually it's done, but I afraid of incoming pain, my old and bad fear. How I can overcome? Or maybe there easier way, I heard that alcohol combined with medical drugs can do things. I have easy access to alcohol, I have money for it, but then it would be nice to know which kind of pill I should take to make death 100% possible. We have small storage of various medical stuff, maybe there I can find something.

I tried to hang myself slightly, and I can feel it will be painful, but at least it will work for sure. I couldn't breathe and I think I even felt how my brain wasn't getting oxygen. Maybe alcohol itself will be enough to not feel much of pain? I know I want to die, but idea of pain turns me into wussy.

My house also doesn't has many things which I can use to hang to. There's one great stick between walls, but it's thin and I afraid my weight will break it. There's small forest and abandoned building nearby, there can be stuff, but bringing chair to them can raise some questions from people, it's daylight, and abandoned building as I saw doesn't has many furniture left.

 

[Obsidian Plague]

you need help with WHAT??

bro, this isn't like you, please, spend some time with your family or something, you don't have to go through with this

[june gloom]

Do you have someone you can trust? Go to them and tell them what you're feeling. This is a cry for help. You need help.

[Silhouette 03]

Please, please don't go through with this. No one on this forum will help you take your own life, or give you ideas on how to do it. You need to seek professional help, preferably a therapist. Explain to them what caused these suicidal feelings, and get to the root cause of the problem. If you cannot talk to a professional, find someone in your family who will be willing to listen to you and you trust.

[bobstremglav]

1 minute ago, Silhouette 03 said:

Please, please don't go through with this. No one on this forum will help you take your own life, or give you ideas on how to do it. You need to seek professional help, preferably a therapist. Explain to them what caused these suicidal feelings, and get to the root cause of the problem. If you cannot talk to a professional, find someone in your family who will be willing to listen to you and you trust.

I don't trust anybody. As I know there no such therapists in my city, and one who was checking me for army service stated that I'm completely healthy. I think they all will just say that I'm healthy so I can be involved into war, and no matter who I will ask or how many times I'll go to court.

I hope at least after my death I will be as healthy. If they don't see it then I'll have to prove it with actions, not just words, even if it means overcoming my fear and killing myself.

[Doomkid]

Quote

idea of pain turns me into wussy

 

This does not make you a wussy - this is completely by design.

 

I can only urge you not to do this. It's a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

 

By no means feel pressured to answer this - I'm no psychologist, but I'm only asking in some sort of hope that maybe talking about why you want to do this will help you: Is the primary reason to avoid military conscription? Again only share what you feel comfortable sharing.. Any other alternative is better than taking your own life.

 

Regardless of the reason, you need to talk to someone about this. I don't even necessarily mean a professional, just anyone willing to listen sincerely: talking it through has helped me step back from the precipice of suicide in the past.

 

 

Both failed and successful suicide attempts are never pretty, and are in fact often even more horrifying than a flat-out murder. I urge you to take the option of talking this out with anyone wiling to listen in a genuine way, but if negative reinforcement works better for you - some videos of failed attempts will distinctly make you NOT want to be in their position..

[bobstremglav]

Just now, Doomkid said:

Is the primary reason to avoid military conscription?

Since 14 I feel myself like shit, not human, while loosing trust to people, and this going worse and worse each year. Friends and mom were trying to calm me down, but the way therapist just ignored my issues tells me that I will suffer even more during army service or actual war.

 

I still don't have balls to kick chair away from me. Everything ends when I tie rope on neck, then I realise that it will be painful and my instincts just not helping to me.

[Zulk RS]

5 minutes ago, Doomkid said:

By no means feel pressured to answer this - I'm no psychologist, but I'm only asking in some sort of hope that maybe talking about why you want to do this will help you: Is the primary reason to avoid military conscription? Again only share what you feel comfortable sharing.. Any other alternative is better than taking your own life.

 

Regardless of the reason, you need to talk to someone about this. I don't even necessarily mean a professional, just anyone willing to listen sincerely: talking it through has helped me step back from the precipice of suicide in the past.

 

  Hide contents

Both failed and successful suicide attempts are never pretty, and are in fact often even more horrifying than a flat-out murder. I urge you to take the option of talking this out with anyone wiling to listen in a genuine way, but if negative reinforcement works better for you - some videos of failed attempts will distinctly make you NOT want to be in their position..

 

Yeah I second this.

 

You should definitely talk to someone, ANYONE willing to sincerely listen.

 

Please don't go through with this. Killing yourself is... not a good idea.

[bobstremglav]

8 minutes ago, Doomkid said:

Both failed and successful suicide attempts are never pretty, and are in fact often even more horrifying than a flat-out murder.

I doubt this will be failed. I'm home alone, and mom will return after 8 hours or so. If I would hang right now, or even just 1 hour before her return, I would have enough time to die.

[DJVCardMaster]

No one likes pain, I mean, I'm not afraid of dying, I'm afraid of suffering physical pain, personally. As said by Doomkid, this is by design, is a natural behaviour of your body trying to tell you to stop doing what you are doing, or at least, avoid what is triggering pain.

No, we don't want you to proceed on what you are doing, this is a cry for help, I would honestly tell you to see if you can talk to a psychiatrist, and see if treatment does any better for you. If you don't have someone, you at least have us, we will kindly tell you to stop what you are doing, and seek for mental health. We will listen.
 

2 minutes ago, bobstremglav said:

But the way therapist just ignored my issues tells me that I will suffer even more during army service or actual war.

Military service? You can avoid that if you have a mental health issue certificate, if your therapist is bad, search for another one, if you need a certificate, therapist only talk to you, you need a psychiatrist.

Hope you get well.

[bobstremglav]

 

14 minutes ago, Doomkid said:

This does not make you a wussy - this is completely by design.

Then how others bypassed this fear?

[thiccyosh]

11 minutes ago, bobstremglav said:

Then how others bypassed this fear?

 

Suicides are always impulsive, since your body tries its best to prevent you from killing yourself. You will be hesitant once your standing on that chair and it will be even more painful if it happens, and then there is no going back. It will be the worst pain you will experience.

 

The pain you will leave behind will only hurt others. I cannot physically stop you, but I can tell you there is always someone that loves you. There is always someones that cares about you, whether that be your friends or family.

 

Just don't do it. Get help immediately!

[Cinnamon]

2 hours ago, bobstremglav said:

Sorry for ruining peace of this community, but I don't know where to ask or where to search, I hope you can help. Knowing how friendly this community I already expect kind of answers, but I hope at least somebody can hint me something.

 

If you're sensitive to theme of suicide - leave topic right now.

 

  Hide contents

I want to kill myself. I tried to make rope tight on my neck using bare hands but it doesn't do anything and rope started to tear earlier than I felt anything good. I want to hang myself like usually it's done, but I afraid of incoming pain, my old and bad fear. How I can overcome? Or maybe there easier way, I heard that alcohol combined with medical drugs can do things. I have easy access to alcohol, I have money for it, but then it would be nice to know which kind of pill I should take to make death 100% possible. We have small storage of various medical stuff, maybe there I can find something.

I tried to hang myself slightly, and I can feel it will be painful, but at least it will work for sure. I couldn't breathe and I think I even felt how my brain wasn't getting oxygen. Maybe alcohol itself will be enough to not feel much of pain? I know I want to die, but idea of pain turns me into wussy.

My house also doesn't has many things which I can use to hang to. There's one great stick between walls, but it's thin and I afraid my weight will break it. There's small forest and abandoned building nearby, there can be stuff, but bringing chair to them can raise some questions from people, it's daylight, and abandoned building as I saw doesn't has many furniture left.

 

 

First and foremost, bob, feel free to contact me in DMs and via mail, as by your preference - if you'd prefer that.

 

Secondly, you're not disturbing the peace of the community. I'm going to risk speaking for people I shouldn't be speaking for, but my sense of the DOOM community is that throughout its 30 years of pulse, it's seen the best we can be and the worst we can be. I urge you not to feel as if you're intruding, if anyone raises that point, the error's with them in my opinion, not yourself.

 

Okay, fairly, I'm extremely sensitive to the topic of suicide. That's why I'm here. I've history with attempts, my current spouse too in a fashion, and moreover, I've lost a previous spouse (whom I'd come to dearly love back then) to suicide.

 

Here's two things I managed to assemble for myself, after years of addiction, depression, and uninhibited nihilism. First is that in face of seemingly unbearable pain, the body reacts with anything drastic it can conjure up - the more drastic the more attractive. It is nothing but a gut reaction, a momentary feeling, a fleeting whim, that will pass. Yes, the depression may persist, the sense of pointlessness might remain, but believe me when I say that the palpable impulses can only live for so long. They burn fast and bright, but run out of fuel fittingly fast.

Personally a few distractions turned out to be fruitful whenever the urge swept over me; working out (heavily, angsty, using your anger Palpatine-style), eating, playing DOOM (100% serious) or another of my gaming obsessions, drawing, writing... Anything that has an outward outlet that you can channel yourself into helps. Hell, yesterday I was about to go to a really dark place, and I planned the most sadistic map in DOOM I could conjure up, and I've yet to finish a single map. Just to get myself out of myself. It's as much a physical thing as a psychological, in my experience.

 

Secondly. When I break it down turbo-rationally (as I'm wont to do when I don't double-check myself) - if I decide to upend my run now, I'll never now how far I could get. I'd never know the joy and happiness I could find. I would only now that I ended on a sour note. And I only know that I have this shot, afterlife or not, we can only guess or believe. This attempt we know we have.

 

It took me a long while of introspection to get here, and I had to really listen to how my personality works, because often I will end up in a miserable hole without being able to trace it. But I have practiced patience with myself enough to know that the answers come afterward. I just need to ride/divert the moment.

[ＤΞＬＴΛ]

WHATEVER YOU FUCKING DO, DO NOT FUCKING DO IT UNDER ANY FUCKING CIRCUMSTANCES, YOUR LIFE IS AND WILL GET BETTER AND KILLING YOURSELF IS JUST ACCEPTING DEFEAT... RISE. ABOVE. IT. STAY SAFE AND GET THE HELP YOU DESERVE. PEOPLE DO CARE ABOUT YOU. MYSELF INCLUDED.

[RDETalus]

36 minutes ago, bobstremglav said:

but the way therapist just ignored my issues tells me that I will suffer even more during army service or actual war.

well if it makes you feel better I will be conscripted soon as well

[bobstremglav]

I don't think I can do it now. I tried again, but throat hurts unbearably.

I read about pills and alcohol combination, but it looks like they don't guarantee death

[bobstremglav]

33 minutes ago, Cinnamon said:

it's seen the best

HDoom?

[bobstremglav]

Sorry for bothering, thank you all

I feel better

[Redneckerz]

DM's are open if needed. Nobody should be left without being able to reach out.

 

2 hours ago, bobstremglav said:

I don't trust anybody.

But you trust this forum. So there clearly is an offset here.

 

Listen, nobody here wants you to end your life. You are worth more than the sum of the parts. We are here to guide you towards help but real talk, ultimately you have to help yourself by getting the help you need. Ropes and booze aren't the answer, you need a listening ear first and formost.

 

Multiple people are offering this. Please take up this offer.

 

 

[Wo0p]

I've lived with moderate depression, anxiety and an unhealthy dosage of autism spectrum disorder for most of my life (I'm 33 now) and I'm still here. And I still find joy in life. Doom mapping, as sappy as it may sound, is actually an incredible source of happiness for me. I'm just saying there are things beautiful and fun enough to live for, even if you don't see it right now. When you're in the dark moments, nothing said will help.

 

So my advice to you would be to wait until the dark gets just a little brighter so things start having colour again. Then go to your nearest physician and tell him you just tried to commit suicide.

 

If he doesn't believe you the first time, explain to him in detail all your thoughts and actions. If he still doesn't believe you, he's a shit doctor and a trash human being and you need to find someone else. It's my experience, that doctors and therapists don't listen to you the first time you come to them. But the 2nd time and the 3rd time they start taking you seriously. It's sad but it's the fault of idiots who go to their doctors when they have a tiny scratch that makes the doctors lose trust in their patients.

 

Please don't let the darkness win.  Every day you're alive is a triumph beyond most people's comprehension.

[Biodegradable]

33 minutes ago, bobstremglav said:

Sorry for bothering, thank you all

I feel better

 

I'm glad. Bob fam, you need to tell your family about this. I understand if military conscription is mandatory in your country, but if you can prove to everyone you are mentally unwell and in need of urgent care, you will be seen as medically unfit for combat and they won't take you in, I'm sure of it. You just have to be upfront and honest about what's going with you, that's the very first step. Get the help you need, take the necessary steps, seek therapy and get on the right path to a healthier, happier you. Trust me on this, I've been where you are myself only a couple of years ago. My circumstances were different, but the urge to end my life was just as strong. But I pushed through it, recognised I had a problem and let the whole world know I was depressed and wanted to end it all. Had I not done so, I would not be here right now telling you this.

 

There is always another way. Be strong, let go of that feeling of keeping it all bottled up to yourself and let everyone know you need help.

[ＤΞＬＴΛ]

31 minutes ago, bobstremglav said:

Sorry for bothering, thank you all

I feel better

 

I'm gonna let you in on a secret: I too have had suicidal thoughts during my life (more particularly when I was in high school), It's some real fucking dark shit and I managed to scrape it out by doing what I like to do now: craft, code, go for walks, listen to music, etc. You should have a better outlook on your life and try to do your best in all situations, whatever those may be. Your life is has so much more in store for you and there's no point in throwing it all away if that makes sense.

 

If you need to talk about anything else, don't be afraid to let me or anyone else on these forums know. You take care alright?

[Murdoch]

37 minutes ago, bobstremglav said:

Sorry for bothering, thank you all

I feel better

 

You're not bothering anybody. No apologies needed. We're here to help. I am not familiar with you personally, but no one deserves to go out like this. I can't speak from experience, but some of the people here can. I particularly liked what @Cinnamon (much respect to you by the way) had to say about it. Take their words to heart, and remember - you matter. To your family, and to us. Keep fighting, and keep trying to get help.

[Zulk RS]

1 hour ago, bobstremglav said:

Sorry for bothering, thank you all

I feel better

 

Glad to hear you're feeling better.

 

 

[mrthejoshmon]

I've been there, a lot of us have

 

Does it feel like the universe wants you dead?

 

My advise to you is to never surrender to it, if something wants me gone then I aspire to be as stubborn as possible, I will not be killed by anything or anyone without a fight and if that means I have to fight inevitability itself then you'll find me dead only with my teeth around it's neck.

 

Life not worth living? Get yourself something to do, something to finish, you can't leave something unfinished afterall. And if you finish it? Start something else. Could be anything, a drawing, a painting, some models, a map ect, these never need to see the light of day as they're yours and yours alone. This is not a solution of course but it's a piece of armour to help you keep going.

 

I wish I could be more helpful, hate to see anyone like this chief, I wish the best for you.

[bobstremglav]

12 minutes ago, mrthejoshmon said:

Get yourself something to do, something to finish, you can't leave something unfinished afterall.

Sadly, even game making or writing or even dream project doesn't stop me much :(

[bobstremglav]

2 hours ago, Redneckerz said:

But you trust this forum. So there clearly is an offset here.

Because I honestly expected to get suicide advice

[Solmyr]

If you don't mind telling, why were you trying to commit suicude in the first place?

 

Please don't try it again, dying is only peaceful when you're asleep, almost always dying people suffer moments of terrible pain and extreme fear, it's not pretty just ask anyone who works at a retirement home or hospital.

[bobstremglav]

7 minutes ago, Solmyr said:

If you don't mind telling, why were you trying to commit suicude in the first place?

Some reasons were said above: lack of trust, self hate, doctor from army side telling that I'm healthy which put my mindset on "If they don't listen my words then I have to prove my problems by suicide"

 

I honestly don't know anymore, it seems like I loosing sanity. Yesterday was fine, previous days too. Today I waked up at 7 am, but for some reason started to have fantasies about dying and how everybody can possibly live better without me.

[Solmyr]

@bobstremglav I see, are you taking psycoactive meds? Some of their side effects includes ideation of suicide, otherwise there might be underlying factors such as economy or family issues because most people feel they way you described and aren't suicidal (well, for the most part).